Stressed? Me too.

My life usually comes in 3 month increments; three good months, three hard months. Before this pregnancy I had a pretty enjoyable 8 months, and I knew a storm was brewing.


In the past 5 months I have felt that I carry my burdens alone, because I do. None of our experience is the same, nobody understands my personal struggles. Certainly not Mark, whose struggles are so different from mine and is rarely here to even see what I do. I do believe in a Savior who alone understands my experience, but sometimes I wish He would just be with me in my living room for an evening and we could really talk.

And always there is the loud voice that yells at me saying, “You should just be grateful that you have the opportunity to be pregnant” and I truly am.

“You should be grateful that your husband has a job at all.” And I truly am.

“You should be grateful it is you with pertussis and not one of your babies.” And I truly am.

“You should be grateful that at least you do not have to put your little children to bed with empty stomachs.” And I truly am.

And this voice is really saying, “There are so many people who have it harder than you, why can’t you handle this?”

But, in spite of me turning my thoughts to others who have it worse, the truth stands.

I still work like a horse, and am as physically beat up as a prize fighter, and as emotionally worn and confused as a BYU football coach on September 17, 2011.

There have been many times in the last five months where I have thought, “I cannot do this. I actually do not think I am capable of doing this.” Sometimes I have these moments in life. And it is that I do end up doing whatever “this” is, that makes me feel strong and powerful once I am on the other side.

Personally I never look forward to trials with much excitement, I quite enjoy and appreciate the moments when life is calm and makes sense, and my body feels healthy. But, times of struggle do bring powerful empathy to me as well as a sense of strength.

I am grateful for my sister who after hearing me lament about stresses I currently face told me that, “life is so much more difficult when you are sick and in pain, and it will all seem more manageable when you feel better”. I know she is right, and I needed to hear it.

I am so grateful for another sister who is apparently on the same page as I am, or at least I felt that way by reading her words tonight. I had just finished typing this out, when I read her blog and felt understood, which is as good as a long back massage right now.

I am grateful for my little sister who calls over and over rotating between my cell phone and the house until I finally pick up. I always feel so much better after our conversations. I really need to talk to her, and I am so grateful for her persistence.

I am grateful for my sister who always makes me laugh by telling me the craziness of her own children and life. Most recently she told me of her frustrations with her little boy has been violent lately and was strangling the boy next to him in primary. Every time this mental image flashes into my head I chuckle.

And there is no one with matched sweet parental worry and concern as my mom and dad. They love me as much as I love Russell and Luke, and it is wonderful to be loved that way.